Professional boundaries
Therapy is a relationship, and like any relationship that matters, it needs a frame that holds it. Much of what makes therapy work is feeling safe enough to let your guard down, and part of that safety comes from knowing where things stand, outside the room as well as inside it.
My core commitment
I don’t engage in romantic or sexual relationships with anyone I work with. For therapy clients, this holds for the whole of our work together and for at least two years after it ends. For supervisees, it holds for at least a year afterwards.
The communities I’m part of, queer and international ones especially, tend to be close-knit. When you’ve lived in several countries, as I have and as many of the people I work with have, you often end up moving through the same small circles. So it’s quite possible our paths will cross outside of sessions, in person or online, while we’re working together or some time after. I’d rather share how I think about that in advance, so that if it happens, nothing about it feels unexpected.
Underneath it all are two principles I try to be guided by: doing the least harm, and being fair to both of us, given that our positions in this relationship aren’t quite the same. You bring your inner world into the room, and I bring my attention and training. That difference is part of what makes therapy useful, and it’s also why I see holding these boundaries as my responsibility rather than yours.
Before we start: people we both know
Every so often it becomes clear, sometimes on a first call and sometimes further in, that I already know someone close to you: a partner, a lover, a metamour, an ex or a good friend.
When that happens, I’ll name it, and we’ll work out together what feels workable. Sometimes a little extra care is all it takes. Other times it’s kinder and clearer to work towards an ending, and if so, I’m glad to help you find someone else to continue with.
If we’ve been intimate with each other at any point in the past, I wouldn’t feel able to take you on as a client. This isn’t about how things were between us. It’s about what therapy needs in order to work.
While we work together
Most of the time, crossing paths is brief and unremarkable. Still, these moments can stir things up, and it helps to have thought about them beforehand.
What if we see each other in public?
It might be a party, a festival, a screening, an exhibition or a march. It could just as easily be the queue at the supermarket.
In moments like these, I’ll usually not be the one to say hello first. It isn’t about keeping my distance. I might be with someone or I simply won’t know who you’re with or what you’d want in that moment, and I’d rather leave the choice with you. If you’d like to acknowledge me, a nod or a hello is more than welcome, and I’ll happily return it. If you’d rather let the moment pass, that’s completely fine too.
If we’re still working together, I’ll usually bring it up gently in our next session, because these encounters often stir something that deserves a little space.
Sexualised spaces, dating apps and social media
The same approach carries into sexualised or kink spaces, and onto dating and hook-up apps.
If our paths cross in one of these spaces, I won’t engage with you there, and if I come across your profile on an app, I’ll block it. This isn’t a judgement of the space or of you. It’s about protecting your privacy and mine in settings where a careful conversation isn’t really possible.
If you message me somewhere like this, I won’t reply there, but I’ll gently raise it at our next session so we can look at what came up. If we’re no longer working together by then, there won’t be a way to explore it together, so I hope this page can stand in for that conversation.
On social media more generally, I don’t follow back the accounts of people I work with. It’s simply part of keeping our relationship in the room, and not a reflection on you.
After our work ends
Endings matter in therapy, and how we finish is part of the work itself. If it looks as though our lives may keep overlapping afterwards, through shared friends, communities or professional circles, that’s worth talking about as we approach the end, so it can become part of finding a good ending. You can read more about how the work is set up on the practical information page.
On romantic or sexual relationships, I hold to at least two years from the end of our work together. Even after that time, I wouldn’t be the one to reach out.
I’d like to say a little about why, since a boundary like this can seem overly cautious. Therapy isn’t a symmetrical relationship. You’ve shared things with me that I haven’t shared with you, and that shape doesn’t simply fade once sessions stop. I’m also not in the best position to judge for myself when enough distance has passed, since I’d be the one with something to gain from deciding it had. So two years is a minimum rather than a point at which things automatically change. Even then, it would only be considered if it was genuinely clear that the therapeutic relationship, and whatever dependence or influence came with it, had run its course.
A note on supervision
Everything above applies to supervision too, with one difference worth naming plainly.
Supervision isn’t quite the same frame as therapy. It’s more consultative and often more collegial, and it’s common for supervisees to become colleagues, co-trainers or peers over the years that follow. It wouldn’t be honest to pretend that dynamic doesn’t exist, so I hold a slightly different line here.
While we’re working together, the same commitment against romantic or sexual contact applies in full. Once the supervisory relationship has properly ended, I hold to at least a year before anything personal could be considered, and only once it’s clear that the professional relationship, and whatever influence came with it, has run its course. A year passing on its own wouldn’t be enough for me if that weren’t also true.
We’re also likely to meet in professional settings such as trainings, conferences and committees while we’re working together. I won’t mention our supervisory relationship there unless you’ve mentioned it first, and if a shared professional context ever seems likely to affect my judgement, I’ll raise it with you directly.
Anything you’d like to talk through?
Some of this is easier to talk about than to read about.
If anything here feels unclear, or you’d just like to ask about it before we begin, I’m happy to make time for it on a first call.
